- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
- It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- No one is listening until you fart.
- Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a bad example.
- It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile way and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- Don't squat with your spurs on.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
- Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it in your pocket.
- Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
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