Found Written on Actual T-Shirts....

1. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.
2. "I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."
3. "Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them."
4. "I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."
5. "Don't take life too seriously. You won't get out alive."
6. "You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me."
7. "Earth--the Insane Asylum for the Universe."
8. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine."
9. "I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing."
10. "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
11. "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather .. not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."
12. "God must love stupid people. He made so MANY of them!"
13. "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
14. "I took an IQ test, and the results were negative."
15. "Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."
16. "Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"
17. "Wrinkled .. was NOT one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up."
18. "Procrastinate .. NOW."
19. "Rehab is for quitters."
20. "Arkansas: One million people and fifteen last names."
21. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
22. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."
23. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
24. "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken."
25. "He who dies with the most toys ... is nonetheless dead."
26. "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
27. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."
28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; a lifetime commitment for a pig.
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29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
30. "MOP AND GLOW - The floor wax used by the Three Mile Island cleanup team."
31. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I would not signed up in the first place!
32. When I was young, we used to go "skinny dipping." Now I just "chunky dunk."
33. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
34. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.