· I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

· Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

· I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

· I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

· When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

· A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

· Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

· America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

· You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

· Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

· My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

· I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

· Money talks, but all mine ever says is good-bye.

· You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

· If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

· I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

· I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

· My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

· My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

· Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

· The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

· The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

· I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

· Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

· The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.